1lightonemind

I'm terrible at updating.

VM performed at the courthouse. Chels hit her head and Maris broke her foot.
iO played in CT. it was amazing
I went to Atlantique with Ashley, then choreographed and blazed with Rosie.
And to top what could've been a great weekend, i find out that i have no real friends and everyone is basically there to make me feel like shit.

My mom fucking curses me out and runs her hands all over me this morning just to watch me cry and laugh in my face, Jimmy treats me like a fucking sick dog, and i miss basically all of VM rehearsal to play a mediocre show, which was followed by Mike screaming at me outside and leaving me to cry on the ground in a parking lot with everyone watching.
 

Everyone finally left me.

I don't know what to do.
 

Today I ate pizza at children's theater thinking I was at peace with last week's eating habits.
I threw up in the Stop and Shop bathroom half an hour later.

I think i'm going to attempt gina's idea at the chocolate milk only diet thing...it sounds safe enough.
then again, what the fuck do i care?

I went on the treadmill again. Now i can burn over 500 calories in only 40 minutes. this is an improvement.



When will you stop hurting me?
when will I stop hurting me?

"As long as you'e alive, here I am.."
I can say those words a million times, and you still won't know how much i mean them.
 

Not eating this week. Only egg whites. Only for breakfast.
i'll fucking show you all.

People in VM are assfucks.

I am not happy, but I am not mad at myself. I ate 3 egg whites mixed with about 1/4 of a 120-calorie meat thing, and cheese...but not a lot, because cheese is fucking disgusting. Then i had carrots and peanut butter. and THEN i cooked 1/4 of a piece of chicken and at it with a little piece of tomato. I feel disgusting, but I need the protein, or the weight-lifting will have been for nothing. 
 

I am, however, eating nothing at all tomorrow.
 

Saturday isn't coming soon enough.



Fuck you. Stop breaking my heart.

I bought 'Invisible Monsters' today. I can not put this shit down. It's addictive and sickening and wonderful.

Also, did i mention my deep hatred for Tim Burton? If i haven't, here it is- I FUCKING HATE TIM BURTON AND EVERYTHING HE DOES. 



In the past two days, i've eaten two sweet-tarts, a handful of baby carrots, and half an inch of steak (for the protein) and have been on the treadmill for a total of an hour and a half- that's over 1,000 calories. AND i danced 2nd period today. tell me this shit isn't going to work- i DARE you.


Well I've been afraid of changing, because I build my life around you.

Fuck you, Easter.
And fuck you, Alex.

I am literally too lazy to go on the computer and do this shit.

So....I guess Tuesday, it was, that I was in the car on my way home from rehearsal, and my mom picks me up and goes "We have to drive around for a little...I don't wanna see grandma when she goes and picks up Tyler." And really, after a whole 3 hours with uptight thespian fucks, you wanna go home. I wanted water. But OHHH NOOOOO, we drive across the Robert Moses bridge and all that shit....she tells me "You don't know what's been going on lately...but it's big. And it's tearing me apart."
Do you want me to be honest? 
I knew everything that was happening before you ever dreamed of THINKING about it. Shows how much everyone respects you, huh?

I can't take her anymore...I just can't fucking do it. And I really wish people wouldn't make shit awkward and decide to care for 10 minutes when I post a pissed -off bulletin on myspace....it's not your job to play the hero and reply to it. Trust me.

Then we had rehearsal Wednesday and apparently, I'm getting good? I got complimented 3 times on my character...but don't worry- I got yelled at like 12 times today for sucking, so it all balances out.

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP CREEPIN'. That's all i have to say. Holy fuck.

And for the last issue....HOW FUCKING OLD ARE WE? Do you really have to ignore me all day? What the fuck is this?

If you want me, you can have me...I'm not going to lie and say I won't be here, but....i don't know. Don't do this to me.

Also, I've been eating complete SHIT SHIT SHIT this whole week. Crash diet starts tomorrow so that it'll be a week until we take promos.
I will look good.

You- what do you own, the world?
How do you own disorder?disorder?disorder?
 

All that led to something that I just should not have done. I really do piss myself off sometimes. I think I'm fucking retarded....I think that some part of my brain is like...missing.
 

Fuck you. you can't have it both ways.


Tonight might have been the funnest night I've had in a while....oh fuck. Everyone got on a fucking sugar high or something and flailed their way through drinking games with soda...I guess my friends are pretty rad.

I'M PLAYING A SHOW TOMORROW I'M PLAYING A SHOW TOMORROW I'M PLAYING A SHOW TOMORROW<3333

'Cause if you like it, then you should've put a ring on it

My head and my hands are shaking. I am cold, I am tired, and I am done. Every single part of my body- limbs, organs, blood- aches.
 

I have finally been reduced to nothing.. can't say I'm very proud. Can't say I'm surprised.

This is new.

This is good.



Don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head
I miss you

Here's the story:

I haven't played a show in about a month- maybe more? It seems inconceivable. Luckily, we're ending this dry-spell on April 4th.
Stage-wise, I've improved about a million times- this, I am fully conscious of. I've actually found a way to keep my own style and work it into our musical atmosphere. I haven't played a show since this....breakthrough, I guess. Whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I'm done making my best friends (AKA: the rest of the band) look bad- now that I've matched their energy stage-wise, I'm gonna have to step it up physically. I'm only drinking water, and limiting myself to less than 300 calories a day. Yesterday, I ate a bagel at Kristen's house...but I worked it all off at rehearsal that night. Today, I had a Slimfast, carrots and peanut butter, and crackers. I also danced for 40 minutes today, but I still wanna work out again later.
I'm gonna look so good by the end of this week....this is going to be a better comeback than fucking B.Spears.

Last night, I started cutting again. Guess why.
SURPRISE.

I'm one of the people who embraces this...everyone is gonna fucking find out all the shit I do anyway in this town; may as well give it to them first hand. It keeps a lot of stupid rumors from surfacing, you know?

I'm writing still...I don't know where it's going to get me, but some of it might actually be workable.
This is news.